A mammoth exercise.
| Photo Credit: Getty Images
The grand spectacle of the Indian wedding season is here. Just when you thought you could peacefully transition from Holi and Sankranti to summer, the floodgates open — lavish invitations arrive in golden envelopes, WhatsApp groups start buzzing with blurry PDFs, and distant relatives you haven’t spoken to in years suddenly want you to be a part of their special day.
The wedding invitation is less of an invite and more of a legal contract — one that emotionally binds you into spending a day pretending to be overjoyed for people you have only heard the name of. If you try to avoid it, prepare for guilt-tripping tactics. “They came to your brother’s wedding; how will it look if we don’t go?” Your arguments about scheduling conflicts will be dismissed with a single line — “The company won’t shut down, if you skip the office for one day.”
Once you accept your fate, the next problem presents itself: the gift. Gifting at Indian weddings is a high-stakes game of re-gifting diplomacy. A dinner set? Too basic. Home appliances? What will you get for less than 1,000 rupees. Gold? Too expensive. Silver? Still out of budget. An envelope with cash? Dangerous — 501 will feel too less but 1,100 would be too much, and you’ll resent your own generosity. In the rare case you put actual thought into a present, know this — it will be rewrapped and forwarded to another wedding. Somewhere out there, a single pressure cooker has been exchanged between seven families. And let’s not forget those cup-saucer sets — they get passed around like Deepavali or birthday gifts, forever cycling through family and friends.
Then comes the injustice of wedding attire. Women are required to look like royalty. The sari must be elaborate, the lehenga must look designer, and the jewellery must clearly announce that they belong to the elite. The hair will be curled, pinned, and sprayed into submission, because natural hair is not festive enough. Meanwhile, men will throw a blazer over jeans and call it a day. No stress, no suffering. Any uncle over 40 will show up in the same brown suit he has worn since 2003 in every function, and nobody will bat an eyelid.
After enduring hours of dressing up, the actual battlefield awaits — the buffet. No matter how extravagant the wedding is, the real action is always at the food counter. The chaat stall resembles a stock market trading floor, with aggressive guests securing their pani puris like seasoned investors. The tikkas disappear at an alarming rate, and the dessert section? Forget it. By the time you reach the end of the line, all that’s left are the bowls of fruit salad — because someone thought health-conscious guests would exist.
Of course, no wedding is complete without the manipulation that brought you here in the first place. “At least come for the food,” they had said. Now, you find yourself attending a three-hour elaborate puja. The bride and groom, exhausted from days of ceremonies, barely recognize half the guests. Meanwhile, the wedding photographer lurks nearby, demanding “Sir, one candid?” You awkwardly pose, only to end up looking like a deer caught in the headlights. The cameraman zooms in on every flower, chandelier, and random uncle, as if they hold the key to the universe.
You are invited to the forced family group photo where no one knows where to look. Everyone’s expected to smile like they’ve just won the lottery. The uncles gather in a corner discussing property prices, the aunties exchange unsolicited fitness advice, and somewhere, a nosy relative is looking for an innocent, poor chap to ask the dreaded question: “So, when is your wedding?” Meanwhile, you overhear snippets of conversation: “The food wasn’t that good, and Sharmaji’s son had a better wedding.” Well, just half an hour ago, didn’t we see you shoving a child to get another helping of mutton burra.
By the time you escape the function, you think it’s over. But just as you begin to relax, another invitation arrives. And then another. Because in India, wedding season isn’t just a season — it’s a never-ending marathon that tests your patience, your wardrobe, and your budget.
Published – May 11, 2025 03:45 am IST