“Did you remind your daughter about her project?”
“Don’t forget to call your mother — it’s been a few days.”
“She seemed upset today… Maybe check on her?”
These comments seem harmless. But to many women, they represent something deeper — an ongoing internal checklist of things that must be remembered, emotions that must be managed, and tensions that must be soothed. This isn’t just care. It’s a quiet, relentless form of labour. And it doesn’t have a name on most to-do lists.
This is the emotional load — a kind of invisible work that countless women perform every single day. What is the emotional load? It is more than just remembering birthdays or planning meals. It’s the mental and emotional responsibility for keeping life running smoothly, for others.
It means being the one who notices when someone’s mood is off. The one who reaches out to smooth over conflicts. The one who absorbs tension without letting it ripple outward. It’s often done in silence, behind the scenes. And most of the time, it’s expected, not appreciated.
In India, this burden begins early. Girls are praised for being “mature”, for adjusting, for taking responsibility even when it’s not theirs. One grows up learning to notice discomfort in others, to offer help before being asked, to make space for other people’s needs, often by shrinking her own. By the time girls grow into women, the emotional work becomes second nature. It’s not just about multitasking; it’s about multi-feeling — holding space for a child’s fear, a partner’s stress, a parent’s worry, a colleague’s insecurity… all the while trying to show up to your own life.
A 2020 study by Oxfam India showed that Indian women spend over five hours daily on unpaid care work, while men spend less than half an hour. While these figures refer to physical tasks, they mirror a deeper reality: the mental burden of tracking everyone’s needs continues long after the chores are done.
A teacher remembers which student hasn’t smiled in days. A mother senses her son is anxious, even if he hasn’t said a word. A daughter manages family tension, walking a tightrope of emotion without ever falling apart, because she can’t afford to. In my classroom, I have seen brilliant women operate on empty tanks. They don’t just teach — they heal, mediate, soften, stabilise. Yet, when they express exhaustion, they are asked, “What did you do all day?”
The real question should be, “What did you carry?” This kind of constant vigilance takes a toll. It can show up as burnout, even without visible overwork; anxiety, from managing emotional unpredictability; irritability, from never having time to process your own feelings; guilt, for wanting rest or solitude; and a fading sense of self, as your own needs blur behind others.
The Indian Journal of Psychiatry (2021) reported that women carrying both domestic and emotional responsibilities were more prone to chronic stress, disturbed sleep, and somatic symptoms such as headaches and digestive issues. One young mother told me during a session, “I feel like I’m living life on mute. Everyone’s voice is louder than mine — even in my head.”
The emotional load stays invisible because it’s often quiet — more about sensing and reacting than doing; it’s internalised — women don’t always realise they’re carrying it; and it’s expected — only noticed when it stops.
If a birthday is forgotten or someone feels neglected, the question isn’t, “Why didn’t someone help?” It’s often, “How could she forget?”
Our stories and symbols reflect this burden. From mythology to modern media, the ideal Indian woman is often the one who suffers silently, keeps families intact, and sacrifices without complaint. From Sita to the “supermom” in advertisements, the message is clear: you are valuable when you hold others together.
But who holds her?
This isn’t about blaming others. It’s about creating space for recognition, conversation, and change.
Talk about it openly. Women need to say, “This is a lot,” without fearing judgment.
Share the load. Emotional labour should be divided like any other responsibility — among partners, family members, and teams.
Build emotional literacy. Boys should grow up learning to recognise feelings, not ignore them.
Make room for rest. Women must be allowed to rest — not as a reward, but as a right.
Challenge the ideal. We don’t need more superwomen. We need to see, support, and make women feel emotionally safe.
The emotional load is not about doing more; it’s about constantly feeling more, managing more, and absorbing more, often without acknowledgement. Next time a woman says she’s tired, don’t list her tasks. Ask her what she’s been holding — the worries she’s absorbed, the peace she has kept, the tears she has swallowed.
And then, ask how can you help her lay some of it down.
Published – September 07, 2025 03:50 am IST